Just a Friend?

Written by Vinny, the Advice Guy

Thursday, 31 July 2008

Dear Vinny,

I have a very close friend of mine who happens to be a male. We do not hang out a LOT alone but when we do my boyfriend gets very jealous. There have even been a few times I've just canceled plans to avoid the arguments, and frustration that comes along with it. He has always been just a friend. I don't understand why it is such a big deal! Should I just stop talking to my friend?

- Anonymous

Dear Jane Doe,

This is a very difficult area to cover. I will say I have been on ALL sides of it. I am the friend to a few women, who when in a serious relationship will stop talking to me because their significant other is jealous. I have BEEN the significant other that was jealous and worried and scared of what might happen while I was not around and made a stink about going out with other guys. I also, in previous relationships, have had women in my life that were nothing more than close friends become topics of conversation.

I think the main thing to remember is most men will show signs of jealousy mainly because they are insecure about themselves and are worried that you are going to split from them with this guy you are hanging with. So while it gets frustrating at times and you want to smack him in the face, and tell him you would never do anything with this guy, keep in mind he's mainly being a jerk because that is sometimes the only way us guys know how to express ourselves. So in a weird kind of way, take it as a compliment.

There are a few things to remember here though: Do NOT give up on the friendship if it has been around a long time. Too many times people do this and lose good friends for a very silly reason, and it never solves the issue between you and yours. It only masks it for a little while and is bound to resurface later on when you make friends at work, or through other people.

You may KNOW in your heart that nothing is ever going to happen with you and your "friend" but keep in mind, it's not easy for your man to think that way. He sees you as not only someone he cares about, but someone he is VERY attracted to as well. Why wouldn't he think someone else would want to be all over you the way he does? So, keep the innocent, flirty, touchy-feely, giggly moments to a minimum while your man is around. Talk with you man, let him know there is NOTHING to worry about. Give him a little extra attention when you guys go out together. Hell, do something crazy; whisper in his ear as you get up from the table to meet you by the bathroom. Pull him in a stall and show him who REALLY has your attention.

If your friend has their own significant other, take advantage of that. Double date! Yeah it can be corny, but who knows it might be fun, and your man won't seem as focused on what's going on between you and your friend.

Stand your ground. I know this may sound odd coming from a man, but it has to be done. You and your man need to learn to trust each other. It is what a relationship is built on and without will crumble faster than you know what hit you. It is one thing if your friend has proclaimed an undying affection towards you, and doesn't care you are with someone. At that point you might want to limit the alone-time with him. If not, keep hanging out with him, I promise your man WILL get over it. Hell he might even learn to like the guy!

Lastly, a lot of this normally comes with the beginning of a relationship. As the trust settles in and bears more weight, things like this tend to go away. If you or him get lost in these thoughts, try giving this chorus a good listen.....

...But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When i think of love as something new
Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more...