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It all begins with a kiss and ends with happily ever after if executed properly. However, what if Prince Charming spent time in bars and clubs formulating the perfect pickup line until he got it right? Imagine how many times “hey baby” and “wanna come back to my place?” has slipped from his lips before he realized the perfect way to capture his princess was silence and a simple kiss. People can benefit from learning the art of silence, especially those who have dismissed the classic pickup line and have gone straight to dirty talk.
In the last few years, the most common line I have heard from men is “Can I eat you?” Some men do not introduce themselves anymore and are inclined to tell you that you are a sirloin they would like to devour on their plate. I often wonder how many women this line works on that so many men have started using it and insist on continuing to use it. It has become all too common from dive bars to upscale clubs where some guy has casually walked up to me or a friend and asked if he can perform cunnilingus. Some have gone as far as providing options; a man once presented me with a choice: if I felt uncomfortable going back to his place because his parents were home, he would happily get on his knees in the handicapped bathroom and make me a very happy woman.
I do not know what kind of girl these men think I am but common courtesy suggests to offer a lady a drink first, possibly some small talk or even your name. The worst line I have ever heard came from a short cocky man who approached me spouting his knowledge of Brooklyn as if I were a tourist. He offered to buy me a drink and invited himself to sit with my friends and me. He continued to buy me drinks until the point where he thought I was loose enough to welcome his advances. I finished my drink and he took it upon himself to tell me how lovely he thought I was and rub my back until his hand made it to his designation of choice. I removed his hand and he then asked me “How many guys fuck you just because of your tits and can I?” He then told me I was not that bright and if I was, I would meet him outside and “fuck in the New Year with him.” He waited out there for some time and left alone.
Much of the dribble that has fallen from the strangers I encounter has yet to surpass the funniest and most tawdry line I have heard to this date. A night at Double Down Saloon found a male friend and me going through some problems; I was just dumped from a weird relationship and my friend was left by his fiancée. I stepped away from my seat for a moment to return to a man sitting in my chair looking at his Sidekick. He offered me the seat and I politely declined and made an attempt to follow my friend outside when the man stopped me, “Wanna see something weird?” and then he showed me an ad on Craigslist with a picture of a naked transgendered male to female. I rolled my eyes at his ignorance and walked out. I found my friend brooding outside and creepy Craigslist guy had followed me and asked what was wrong with my friend, “Douche bags,” I answered. I do not know how someone can segue way into a pickup line from there but he certainly did. He placed his arm around me, cocked his head and said “Can I undouche you tonight?”
People seemingly become denser with each decade that casual sex becomes more acceptable. The history of the pickup line has gone from simple greetings to feminine hygiene products. If people continue to skip straight to dirty talk then there is nothing left to say in the bedroom, especially if “can I eat you?” and “wanna have sex?” are the best a person can do. Perhaps vulgarity is a way of saving time and money. A man approaches a woman, whispers some sexual act he would like to perform and if the woman does not accept, he saves money on the rising prices of a cocktail and time he can use to find a woman who will accept his advances. Since so much time is being saved, people should invest in learning the art of tact; if they did then there would be no need to for a pickup line.
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