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 "Supporting, celebrating, empowering female sexuality" Susan Crain Bakos is a woman on a mission. Having penned 15 books including "The Sex Bible: The Complete Guide to Sexual Love", "Orgasm Loop: The No-Fail Technique for Reaching Orgasm During Sex", "Sex Over 50" and "Kink: The Hidden Sex Lives of Americans". She has also written a few crime-thrillers and contributed to many publications including "The Ladies Home Journal" and "Penthouse".
A research sexologist, a sex educator and an outspoken champion of female sexual empowerment one would think life for Ms. Bakos would be one big sex party, but that's not always the case.
After a thorough Google search we discovered Susan's life isn't always sugary-sweet. She's had bar-stools thrown at her, been assualted in Harlem and saying: black women don't much care for her- would be an understatement.
How can a woman whose sole purpose is to sexually liberate women, stir up such a commotion? Well perhaps there-in lies the issue.
By a chance encounter we met up with Susan Crain Bakos and did "Six Questions". We're glad we did. You should be too.
Six Questions
Club DD: Thanks for taking the time to do the interview Susan. When you contacted us about writing for the site, to be very honest, we hadn't heard of you. However, after visiting your blog and looking at the mass library of works you have written, and your contribution as a whole to the movement of female sexual empowerment and liberation, we knew, within an instant, you were a woman we HAD to interview.
SCB: That is very flattering.
1. Club DD: Before we move to the topic of 'Sex', lets discuss writing and publishing. More specifically, becoming a published author. We have many young ladies writing for our site whom aspire to become successful, published authors/journalists. How do you get to the stage where you become a published author? Is the road difficult for aspiring authors? Is there a cheat sheet on how to help them get there quicker?
SCB: There has never been a worse time for young writers to get published! Publishers take few chances and are all looking for an author with "platform", i.e., media contacts, a proven book sales track record, or, failing that, a regular column in some media outlet. My best advice to new writers: Be original and inventive. Don't pitch article ideas to magazines that are exactly like the articles they publish. Yes, they will keep publishing those same articles but they will assign them to known writers, not you. Find a web or small press outlet where you can write something that is truly unique and special and you. Keep doing that and build a clip file. Check out my blog (http://www.sexyprime.typepad.com/), especially "Rebecca Fridays!". Rebecca is published for the first time here. I love her writing and am thrilled to have "discovered" her. I will be happy to post your guest blog too if you have something interesting to say and say it well.
2. Club DD: We found an interesting article entitled 'A WHITE WOMAN EXPLAINS WHY SHE PREFERS BLACK MEN'. It's a taboo subject but you remove that element from the piece and make it very sexy and beautiful. Could you share with us your first time with a black man?
SCB: Oh, yeah. That article will be part of my obituary. If you ever want a lot of unwanted attention, write something controversial about sex/race. (A white guy got thrown out of my neighborhood pub for attempting to clobber me with a bar stool... and he wasn't nearly as angry as some black women.)
First: I am an honest writer. Too honest. I write exactly what I am feeling/know at the moment I am writing it. Later, I may look back and think: I could have said that better; I was exaggerating my points in the emotion of the moment; I have new information I wish I'd had then; I wasn't thinking about how this would affect some people who might read it (in this case, black women).
Today I would write that article with greater sensitivity to the feelings of black women.
But I would also add: Who ever threatened to kill a man (or kept an internet vendetta alove for years) for preferring blones or booties or young or thin or fake-boobed...whatever? Let a woman say that she has a physical "type" and the barstools are raised. We are supposed to love purely from the soul which is apparently blind.
The article grew out of my frustration with middle-aged white men. We middle-aged white women are surely part of the problem. In the 70s we told them how they would have to behave in relationships with us. They got the message and performed cunnilingus and stopped harrassing us overtly in the workplace. Along the way, they lost their sexual swager.
Less politically correct, black men still have it.
So, black men are more likely to turn me on. I love to flirt. I am more overtly sexual than the average woman- and comfortable with being that. Black men are more in tune with my sexuality. It's a cultural thing.
The article's critics painted me as someone who went "native" at midlife. Not true. I was born and raised in East St. Louis, Illinios, and I have lived most of my life in integrated communities. The first penis I saw was black. My next door neighbor and playmate proudly showed me that he did not have to go inside to pee. It was all about the pee. Coming from a family of girls, I was very impressed by his pee power. (I told my mother what little boys had and she said: "Yes, Susie, I know that." She went on to explain that boys and girls should not show their privates to each other-- but also said that T.J. and I did no harm because we were too little to know the rules. One good thing about my midwestern upbringing: sex questions were handled in a matter-of-fact, no hysteria fashion.
First black lover? (And I am not counting boys I dry-humped in High School!) It was not purely racial for either of us.... But it was about the aesthetics of what turned us on and that included skin color. We were ebony and ivory.... And we liked the way that looked.
I like a big dick; and he let me know that he had one.
I went to his place in Southhampton to work on a project we were doing toghether for a publisher. He picked me up at the jitney stop in his Jeep. We stopped at Gristedes for groceries. I told him: "I don't cook." he said: "I know that. White women don't cook. I cook." He was wearing shorts and no underwear. When he got out of the jeep, his erection was hanging beneath his raised shorts.
I sat on a stool in his kitchen drinking champagne while he prepared lunch. Shrimp. It was a sensual, erotic experience. We had the first sex before the shrimp.
3. Club DD: A question from our PR person, Diana: Do you do practice any of the sex positions you talk about in your books? And if so, which ones are your favorite?
SCB: YES!!! How could I write about sex if I didn't do it? I also use testers. Sometimes a position doesn't work for me but it does for them ort vice versa. (It takes a village.)
My favorite position depends on the guy and how our bodies fit together.
The above mentioned lover has a favorite position that I loved doing with him but not so much with any other guy. It was his variation of the yabyum, the classic tantra sitting position. We sat in the middle of the bed, facing one another, piles of pillows at our backs. I sort of scooted toward him, playing with the head of his penis against my clit until we were ready for me to push a few pillows under my butt and come down on his erection.
A few years ago i had a little fling with a big, sweet but not intellectually engaging guy who really banged the rear entry position. I was on my knees, weight on elbows, at edge of bed while he stood behind me.
If I had to choose one all-time fav it would be a variation of the missionary position: I wrap one leg around his waist, wrap the other lower and loosely beneath his buttock—where I can easily move it from there to over his shoulder….or place my foot on the bed for leverage. He grasps the buttock on the side where I have my leg wrapped around his waist. This gives me freedom of movement, allows either of us to play with my clit, lets me look into his eyes when I come and makes me feel just a little bit dominated which I like. It’s an open missionary… and I love it.
4. Club DD: Sex over 50. Can it really be that hot?
SCB: Yes, darling, it can.
Women are wondrous creatures, capable of undulating waves or orgasm into midlife and beyond. If we stay fit, do our kegels and keep the pc muscle tight—and hardest of all (because even women like you question our sexuality :) keep a positive attitude, we can have great sex.
But it may have to be with younger men. Overweight, inactivity, meds—all hang on the end of the penis, weighing it down.
I am a cougar. Most of my lovers have been younger for years now.
But, on the other hand, I had a hot affair with a 59 year old man, possessing an amazing dick. (read the blog section on being dick-matized.) He played a lot of tennis; and he had the blood flow going. I often came just sucking that perfect dick. Oh, I could (and have) rhapsodize about that dick… all its little special places… the area on the underside beneath the corona that was so sensitive to my sucking kisses…
5. Club DD: Kink' discussed sexual practices behind closed doors in America. For a nation where sex is literally everywhere- television, film, music, art- why is it OK to talk about straight laced missionary sex but its still not OK to talk about kink and fetish?
SCB: When I began to work on kink: the hidden sex lives of americans, I thought that a little kink was hot and sexy [and it is!] In researching the book, I spent a lot of time with lifestylers which made me cranky. Loved the doms and trannies, really didn’t like those extreme bondage guys, some of the masters and those diaper dudes. In retrospect, the book would have been more fun and playful and less cranky if I’d had a space between research and writing.
I am the first to admit my shortcomings and hubris and acknowledge a change of mind or heart.
6. Club DD: The final and toughest question: If you were a flavor of ice-cream which would you be and whom would you want to lick you?
SCB: At this moment, i would be first a scoop of chocolate and then a scoop of butter pecan. And the captain would lick me…………………….
Club DD: We suppose it's all hands on dick then. Thanks for your time Susan.
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